Dear Deirdre

Going through some old newspapers I found in the attic the other day I came across this in an agony common. I thought I would share it with you.

Dear Deirdre

I am becoming increasingly worried about my son. Despite having a good education, something of a rarity these days, the only things he seems to be any good at are lying, cheating and distorting facts and he seems to have no sense of decency and very few morals. My husband tells me not to worry, that there are many jobs open to people like this nowadays. I am not so sure and would value your opinion.

Dear Mrs Blair

Your husband is quite right, you need not worry at all. The ability to lie through your teeth is now considered a positive asset in many careers. The trick is to work out just which fields in the art of lying and cheating that your son excels in.

Is he sporting minded at all? Some sports, professional football for example, pay very good money for someone athletic who also has the ability to con a referee. Some clubs, Manchester United in particular, base their entire teams around someone with this ability and over the past years have won many trophies purely on their players ability to dive in the penalty area and convince the officials they have been fouled.

Does he have a good imagination as well? If so the advertising industry is another good career choice for a compulsive liar. This self serving industry exists for the sole purpose of parting honest hard working people from their money in order to line their own pockets. If your son has the gift of presenting something in a false light and inventing false claims about it this could be the career for him. If he also has no morals at all and considers it acceptable to take a huge salary for promoting a product while the people who actually make it live in poverty then I suggest he gets in touch with a company such as Nike.

Combining a sporting career with a career in advertising is especially lucrative. Not only can you earn a huge salary, up to £75,000 a week, it is also possible to earn several million pounds a year you could never possibly spend promoting products you would never use yourself. Providing you don't have any morals at all this is a great career choice.

Can young Tony keep a straight face when he is lying? If so the legal profession could be a good choice. The Human Rights industry in particular is always on the look out for people with very few morals who can lie convincingly enough to fleece the public and obtain obscene amounts of compensation for criminals. As this industry is funded by legal aid, provided from a bottomless pit known as Tax Payers Money, the rewards are huge.

Then there is the Road Safety industry. With new technologies evolving everyday the opportunities for a good liar are almost unlimited. Take speed cameras for example. The potential for making money from these safety devices has still to be fully tapped. Some people estimate that by the year 2004 these cameras will be raking in millions of pounds a year. This industry is desperately seeking people who can convince the public that because one person is killed by a speeding motorist for roughly every 12,000 million miles driven in the UK that we need cameras every 100 yards.

Of course, if young Tony has an exceptional talent for deception then the ultimate career choice must be Politics. Politicians are people who have mastered the art of lying and deception and have no use for morals whatsoever. They also name their own wages, set their own expenses and if they fall foul of the law simply change it to suit their own needs.

It can also be a very demanding job. Thinking up excuses for taking peoples hard earned money from them in taxes is not as easy as it sounds. Thinking up a reasonable sounding excuse for the majority of people having to retire into poverty while you yourself have used their money to make sure your future is secure can also be a bit tricky. A politician however does have a whole army of people employed by tax payers to think up reasons for them which does make the job a bit easier.

All in all though being a politician, especially an MP, is the ideal choice for someone morally corrupt with a talent for deception. The wages are good, the expense account even better and best of all if you get caught out lying it doesn't matter. You also get given countless freebies, especially useful if you have an ambitious wife who is a bit frugal with money. If Tony can convince people he is lying just because his lips are moving then this is the career for him. I would suggest he contacts the labour party. I have it on good authority they will be looking for a new leader soon.

Deirdre.