A Heavy Blow for Hairdressers thanks to Gordon!

Not only has our Stalinist Chancellor kicked the poor in the goolies, he has decided to make it ever tougher for small business owners. Yes, those same people who are supposed to be the generators of the fuel for the future of a prosperous economy.

Any small business with annual profits less than £300,000 will get the pleasure of paying 3% more in tax over the next two years. Apart from me and most of my clients, that includes 35,000 hairdressers. And being primarily service oriented we don't get to benefit from tax relief on capital allowances.

Gordon - just go whistle for a blow job!

And here is Jamie again for me and the hairdressers!

Bird on a bike. Adults Only

Here we have a bird on a bike. Just by way of a change. It's an old one as well. The bike not the bird I mean. The only old bird you will ever find on here is BB!

Anyway she is here purely for that reason. Because she is on a bike and because she is a bird.

See her get her bits out here.

So what did Gordan do for you. Adults Only

You have to admire his cheek really. When it looks like the man who has taxed us the most ever over such a short period looks like he might get the job as PM he suddenly gives us tax cuts! Except he didn't. Well not if you are poor anyway.

Under his "tax cuts" the very poor are worse of. If your taxable income is less that two hundred pounds you will pay more income tax. Because the first £100 of that used to be taxed at 10% and the rest at 22%. Now the whole lot will be taxed at 20% and you will pay more tax.

But what about tax credits? Can you not get it back on that? Well not if you are single and childless you can't. Because if you are single you have one purpose in life. To support those who have chosen to have children.

Despite only using a fraction of the healthcare a family does, despite not using the education system because you have no kids, despite using only a fraction of all the other resources you are expected to pay to support those who do use it.

Then he froze taxes for people using "greener" cars. So if you can afford to upgrade your car to a newer more environmently friendly model then you save money. But if you are poor and can't afford to change your ten year old banger then it will cost you more to tax it. Plus more to run it as again he has put the price of fuel up.

So once again the Labour party, the party that was founded to improve the lot of poor people in this country, is kicking them in the nuts for the sake of a few votes off of the middle clases. Gordon Brown, along with the rest of New Labour, is nothing but a self serving hypocrit who doesn't give a damn about anything other than lining his own pocketes and satisfying his own immense ego. He is nothing but scum.

Here is a bird.

Talking of Undergrowth. Adults Only

BB talking about the stiring in her undergrowth made me start thinking. Now I know a lot of you do prefer hairless women, the shaven haven type of bird. But I have to admit that personally I do prefer a bit of natural undergrowth.

Of course it has to be thoroughly raked and kept in trim, I'm not into the wild overgrown bush type of thing. But a nicely coiffured piece of carpet is what does it for me.

Of course, because I have a beard, it can and does create problems. I call it the velcro effect. It involves me gripping her thighs, my tongue fully extended, gasping for breath, desperately trying to break free while she has her hands on the back of my head, forcing me down having the time of her life!

Anyway, here is a bird with some undergrowth.

Scandal!

Listening to Robert Elms, I just heard the mention of Roland Gift, now there's a name to get a girl's undergrowth stirring. That led me to remembering not only my vinyl FYC but also his acting along with Joanne Walley formerly JWK, in the film inspired by the Profumo Affair. So in the interests of equality, here is some eye beauty for both sexes.

Pucker Up!

When I meet a girlfriend, we kiss and/or hug - depending upon the level of friendship, it may be a kiss on the lips accompanied by a bear hug [this indicates very close girlfriend with whom you share intimate secrets & deep thoughts, have been naked with, completely trust and would prostitute yourself for]; or both cheeks and a gradation of hugs [this indicates close girlfriend with whom you share some secrets and thoughts, have probably been semi-naked with] ; one cheek with a hand on the shoulder [this indicates either a pleasant business colleague who you know quite well or a recently introduced girl friend/colleague that you think you're going to like.

Generally, the only times we shake hands without a kiss is in business situations where we're new to each other or we're dealing with corporate stiffs, pen-pushers, etc. and social situations where we've just been introduced.

Moreover, we move up the scale pretty quickly and will select elements depending upon situations. Whilst full lip kissing has to be earned, two cheeks without major body exposure can be achieved quite quickly.

I am keeping this simple by only talking British despite the fact that often we are interacting with other nationalities.

So men - what is your problem? Fathers and sons who as described by Nick Angel, journalist when meeting his dad prior to his father's departure on a month long journey to New Zealand reflects on what he calls "a vortex of awkwardness" : "God forbid - kissing, we shuffled. edging slowly away from each other as though some invisible tide was prising us apart, when a safe enough distance had been reached , we waved cheerfully and disappeared into the night.

It would seem for you men that a solid handshake suffices in most professional situations but as NA writes "after that it's an absolute lottery". The choices range from high-fives, to a kiss in a continental situation, a foot rocking, half smile, an arm-grab where you grasp right arm with your left whilst shaking hands, a robotic pat on the back.

But the male-to-male kiss - ooh la la - you don't want to talk about it let alone practise it! However, back in the 15th century the English used to be "kissing champions". It was convention to kiss a stranger on the lips!

Whilst our continental cousins have clearly established conventions, we're in an age of flux caught between different male role models - the "strong silent type" of old and the modern metrosexual ideal".

It seems strange to me that you guys regularly get out your equipment in front of complete strangers, share baths naked after having grappled with each others' bits on a muddy playing field, fantasise about women kissing women,..so why not grab a guy and give him a smacker just because he's a mate and you love him!

What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his ass.

Thank you Mr Blair. Adults Only

At the moment I am waiting for the results of a TB test. Thats right I have had to be tested for Tubercolosis. But wasn't this disease wiped out in this country years ago? Well yes it had been, there hadn't been a new case in this country for years But then Billy Liar and his new taxes party came to power and opened up borders allowing people from all over the world to pour in. Thanks to him there were 8,370 new cases last year alone and this year is supposed to be higher.

When questioned about this the sad sorry excuse we have for a government claim that given the size of the population the risk is insignificant. So thats all right then, don't worry if you do get it, you were just very unlucky!

But hang on, this same government bought in a law this year making kids have child booster seats, to save 100 lives. We are inundated with speed camera's and other traffic saftey measures trying to cut deaths on the road from their already extremely low levels. If a couple of hundred extra road fatalities is consider significant enough to warrant all this then how can 8,370 cases of TB be considered insignificant?

And this is a problem this government has caused. Because TB is not being brought into this country by assylum seekers, refugees etc. It is being bought in by Eastern Europeans from countries where the disease is rife.

This government is fond of bringing in new laws so let me suggest one. There should be a law that any Eastern European, or anyone from anywhere else where TB is common, have to submit to a health check when they arrive. And anyone carrying this disease is then sent straight back where they came from.

Like it or not by European law these people are entitled to come into our country, do our jobs on the cheap and make poor British people even poorer. But there is no law that says we have to allow them to infect us with killer diseases as well. Here is a picture of a nurse, just in case I need one soon.

See the pics here.

Lia. Adults Only

Well, because of the amount of posts there have been in the past week or so, the lovely Lia dissapeared into the archives. So I went and got her back out, just for you.

I'm also rather concerned that some people have been saying I'm sexist. It's not true. I'm actually a feminist. You have to be nowdays to get a shag!

Anyway, here she is, one of the fittest blondes we have ever had on the site. The lovely Lia.

See the pics here.

Formula One is back

Yes, the Formula One season is now under way. This is the sport where a load of blokes drive around in fast cars trying to crash them in spectacular style. Failing that they then compete to see who can shag the best looking babe in the paddock. I have it on good authority that this bevy of beauties were well up for it and ended the weekend being very thoroughly serviced and completely rebored.

Stop complaining! It's all been a bit hectic. Adults Only

Right a couple of people just complained that the site isn't what it was. Well at the moment it won't be will it? I have just had to salvage everything of any use from CMK because I don't have time to update it anymore and if I don't update then it's going to close and I lose all my work. So what am I supposed to do, lose it all just to save lazy bastards scrolling down the screen a bit to see their porn? There are eighty posts on this page, all since Tuesday! So it's hardly going to be the same is it?

Plus I now have someone helping out. And what she does will be completely different to what I do. You see some people don't actually like what I do so we are going to cater for them as well. Once it's all sorted all you have to do is read the posts you like. I will still be doing my regular upgrade sessions, BB will be filling in the bits between and doing her own thing. So just be patient!

In the mean time here is a bird.

I wanted to be a boy!

So I could have had a Scalextric! My dad initiated me in most of the important things of life - football, westerns, playing cards and chess, and education so I could be independent from chauvinist, sexist men,...but he never bought me a Scalextric. Sindy was never really a suitable substitute.

Anyway, this year is Scalextric's 50th birthday. So all you blokes out there who still own and play with your coveted Scalextrics, spare a thought for us deprived girls who long ago chucked out our Sindy's in fits of pique [bugger could have probably sold her on ebay] only to leave a gaping hole of unfulfilled, burning tyre desire!

Before there's a riot!

A gorgeous female upon which to feast your eyes!

Something for a Sunday!

I trust you're all awake by now. I thought in my custodian role I should provide some eye candy to set us up for Sunday whether it be sensual, sexy or sporting - preferably all three!

It's the way that you walk!

As it's the weekend and we've got serious sport to follow and worry about, I'm going to leave serious polemic and invective to one side - I'm sure C will provide more than enough in due course. Indeed, before I have had chance to post this I notice the ill worker has already obliged.

The researchers of useless information that we don't need but can't help being interested in, found out that beauty and sex appeal are not just about how we look but how we walk. A six pack or an hour glass figure may not be more attractive than a bit of podge or a greater than "perfect Marilyn Monroe" 0.7 waist to hip ratio physique.

It's all in the wiggle for the women and the swagger for the men. A womanly wiggle or a manly shoulder shrug can make all the difference especially for men. If you men adopt a masculine shoulder swagger you will instantly be twice as attractive to the opposite sex whilst us ladies only improve our attractiveness by a mere 50% [but then I suppose we are starting from a higher platform]. Even with her hour glass figure, Marilyn resorted to adjusting the stiletto heels of her shoes, making one heel shorter than the other so she swayed as she walked.

In rich countries like the UK a low waist to hip ratio is deemed to be "a marker of education, a good diet, good health and higher social class - all desirable qualities in a mate". However, in societies where resources are scarce, a thicker torso may indicate exactly the same things - also true in hunter-gatherer communities where the fittest and most eligible women are expected to perform a lot of manual work. According to the esteemed researchers we select our mate on the basis of a number of bodily cues which will depend upon our cultural expectations and the environment. Now there's a shock!

And further research is being carried out so we can all adjust our hip swing, angle of sway and footwear with precision. And then we can all live happily ever after just like Marilyn.

How much?

Apparantly Cherie Blair, aka the wide mouthed frog, made an apearance last night as well. Bearing in mind that she usually charges childrens charities £100,000 for her time how much did that cost last night?

Red Rip off day

Well last night was the eleventh annual buy a Mercedes for a dictator fest. Yes that time of the year when celebrities, worth around £2,000,000,000 or more between them gain some free advertising and beg ordainary people to part with their money. This year £40,000,000 in all.

They know full well that the vast majority of this money is going to go straight into Swiss bank accounts, Luxury car dealers and buy guns and other weapons so African dictators can keep their main source of income going, poverty. A tiny bit will go to the poor, but not much.

What incentive has any African dictator got to help his people? If they were not poor we would not keep giving him money. So he couldn't fill his bank account and couldn't pay his private army. The only asset that most of these dictators have is poverty. All the time their population is kept below the poverty level idiots in the west throw money at them.

We should try it the other way, cut the money off completely, don't give a penny. That way, when their bullets run out they can't buy anymore. And if there is no money then there is no reason for these dictators to be there. So they will bugger off with the money they have already fleeced from us and somebody who actually wants to make a difference will take over.

But won't people starve to death? Of course they will. But they already do, and die of disease, war and just because the guy in charge says they should. The difference is that if we cut off the aid, don't loan them money etc then things will eventually get better rather than getting worse year after year which is the situation now.

He's supposed to be at work!

What a surprise, he just can't stop holding the baby!

She's threatening me already

So I will incur her wrath if I reveal her age. Okay here goes. She is 21 next month. Again!

And for some balance

Sweet salsa dreams everyone, and if you're out strutting your stuff I hope you are flowing with the rhythm!

Just for the boys and the hairdressers!

And again!

Something for the girls and the boys - the eternal triangle!

Being my first evening, I'm starting gently, not wanting to shock nor offend.

I have to get something off my chest

The government in its infinite stupidity has decided that kids applying for university should have to reveal information such as ethnicity, whether they've been in care, whether their parents have been in higher education,...The transparent agenda being let's tick target boxes of who gets the privilege of totting up a pile of debt for the privilege of receiving what is everyone's right - a good education!

In my humble opinion as a white girl who was privileged to have a mix of state and private education [the latter only possible because my dad worked for the Civil Service and died unexpectedly so they paid my fees for the school that my parents were going to scrimp and save for simply because it was the better alternative where we lived - I'm keeping the location a secret but I'm sure Castonya will reveal it in due course]. I chose to go the local comprehensive to do my A levels and hoped to get to University on merit.

I did and because we were a low income family [my mum worked her heart out to keep us - no benefits, just honest toil], I got a full grant. It wasn't enough then [I refuse to give away my age and if C does he will incur my wrath!] - yes I had a blinding time but I worked for a living too [pub, restaurant, selling raffle tickets for Bristol Rovers FC] but I only left with a few hundred quid overdraft. Now they leave with a £10,000 debt.

So my point - education should be free and accessible to everyone and there should not be positive nor negative discrimination in relation to ethnicity, parents' educational backgrounds, etc.

Taking the baton but I promise not to beat you with it too hard!

As you know, Castonya has decided to be a martyr to the work cause despite the advice of his straight-talking Aussie doctor. So you've got me for the weekend - smile and be pleased, I beg you!

Handing over

Ok, I am not going to be available to update over the weekend so I'm handing you over to the lovely SHCBI for the next couple of days. I am sure she will keep you amused. And if she doesn't? Try telling someone who cares!

Been back to the Doctors

I've been back to the doctors and got more antibiotics. Found out a couple of things that make me feel better so feeling a bit happier now. Then had to warn them at work that I might not be in next week. I shouldn't actually go in over the weekend but it would screw things up for everyone if I didn't so going to chance it. But my Doctor did ask one very valid question.

"If you keep ignoring my advice to rest, keep getting up at 04:30 in the morning, keep working a twelve hour shift with no proper breaks (illegal I know but thats cabbing for you) in a draughty office with inadequate heating then do you think you will actually get better?"

The answer is obvious really I suppose.

Have you checked

Have you checked out SWCBI's pic on her profile? Who is she kidding? Unless it's an old pic, a very old pic.

Well I'll be buggered!

Not literally of course, there is a limit to how far I will go with the gay friendy policy and I do know the difference between an inbox and an outbox. But earlier I said that nobody would search for Jamie Redknapp upskirt with no knickers. And somebody did! I just checked the stats and referrerers and there it was. There are some strange people about. And can I just say, whoever you are, please sod off somewhere else because people like you scare us.

One Nil to the boys!

Or at least I think it is. I have a sneaking suspicion she may have buggered off to bed without telling me leaving me sitting here waiting for a reply that isn't going to come!

If she has done this horrible thing I will actually be delighted for her. Because it's not often somebody gets me back so quickly! And I will be guilty of having underestimated her.

But It's going to be fun!

I think we are safe for a while

Well guys I think we are safe for a while. She is going through the contents of her inbox replying one by one, and when I fill an inbox I do it properly! She will be there forever! Especially if I keep replying to them! Good Game Good Game!

Its that time again. Adults Only

Yes it's that time again when we do our bit for the homosexual community. Purely in the interest of promoting gay rights I feel it is my duty to provide something for them every now and again.

So for all the lesbians out there, myself included, here we have two birds getting at it.

Watch them here.

It could be the night!

Yes it could be the night you have all been waiting for. You might just get a proper update tonight. I am feeling much better and have had a couple of beers. Plus I still have that little bit of nitrous so you never know.

I've already had a good evening. SWCBI said it was okay for me to spend the evening filling her inbox so thats what I've been doing. I thought it was very sporting of her. You don't often get an offer like that.

So stay tuned, you never know, it could be a good night.

Now I feel old!

An advert came on TV just now, advertising Bonnie Tylers greatest hits. Now I have just about everything decent she has ever done anyway but the sounds were good. Then, at the end of the advert it said:

Bonnie Tylers Greatest Hits. The perfect gift for Mothers Day!

Some more Redknapp

Well SWCBI has requested some more of Redknapp. So here we have the very lovely Louise Redknapp, just for her! Well come on woman, what did you expect? You have your own user name and password now so you look after the girlies. That way I can concentrate on the ones that matter!

And this is all about getting the punters in. See if I say I have pictures of Louise Redknapp, upskirt with no knickers, then people will flock in, even if I don't have the pictures. Because Louise Redknapp with no knickers flashing her beaver is something that sad gits sit indoors typing into their search engines. So they still end up here even if I don't have the pictures.

Now you try that with Jamie. Try claiming you have Jamie Redknapp upskirt with no knickers flashing his beaver. See how far that gets you! You have to give the punters what they want and I know what they want!

An optical illusion

Zoo Visit

It's a beautiful, warm, spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose fitting, almost see through, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars,and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his
chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty woman
in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests
that his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests
she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises thatwould make the dead rise.Then the husband suggests that she let one of
her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is
about to tear the bars down."Now try lifting your dress up and flashing your beaver."
says the husband.She does so, and this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy, and now he's doing flips and has a hard-on like a baseball bat.Then the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the cage,flings her in with the gorilla, slams the cage door shut and says to her : "Now, tell HIM you've got a Headache".

Who Knows?

The first PC exclusivelyfor women

The ideal job

Golf balls

A man boarded a bus with both of his front pockets full of golf ballsand sat down next to a beautiful blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "its golf balls"
.Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,deeply thinking about what he had said.After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity anylonger, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

The Flower Show

Two little old ladies were sitting on a bench outside the flower tent at the county show where the flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said,
"Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun any more. For £5.00 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"
"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a £5.00 note.
The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the tent, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize as Best Dried Arrangement!"

Some cartoons

Some great books

I haven't had a rant for ages

It seems absolutely ages since I last had a good rant, but I am going to have one now. It might end up with the site getting closed down, which would be a pain, but there are plenty of other hosts for blogs nowadays and, to be quite honest, they couldn't possibly be worse than the pile of crap that blogger has become since google took over.

Now I am not a great fan of google anyway. this is the company that agreed to censor the search engines in China so nobody could complain about the government. The reason for this, the usual one, so they could boost their already obscene profits.

And then there is their search box and adsense scam. Basically you put a search box and some adverts on your site and when people use the search box or click on the adverts you get paid. But not until you have earnt $100. So I did this, reached ninety dollars and google closed my acount because the content was unsuitable. Now if they had done this at the start, before the thousands of uses of the search box, before the hundreds of clicks on the adverts, I wouldn't have a problem.

But the content on this site has been identical since day one. And the content was perfectably acceptable right up until it looked like they might actually have to pay me. It's a scam, a complete rip off that they get away with becuase if you complain they just close your site.

And now they have "improved" blogger. So now instead of my old eight letter username I have to log in using my full e-mail address, after of course creating a google acount with another lot of terms and conditions. And I have to do it everytime. It doesn't matter how many times I tick the remember me box I still have to enter my details everytime.

Then when it comes to posting the new improved interface has done away with some of the options, the copy one for instance, one that I use all the time but some dickhead in a suit somewhere has decided I don't need. And it's slower. Much slower.

And I bet I know whats coming next. There will be strict limits on bandwith and uploads, unless of course you "upgrade" by giving them your credit card details and paying them every month.

As I said, once the little spy bots google have scanning the net day and night bring this to their attention some prat in an office will probably close me down. But don't worry if they do. I would soon be back!

Three holidays in the next eight weeks. Adults Only

Well life is such a bitch sometimes. I might have to go away three times in the next eight and a half weeks. How will I cope!

Firstly I am off to Charmouth next Friday, staying at Newlands caravan site, where my dad used to have a caravan. Going with my aunt Val and my cousins Gerald and Diane. It should be a laugh and England are playing while we are away so will catch some football as well. Will stop off at the very beautiful Milton Abyss on the way there for one of the nicest ploughmans you can get in a pub anywhere. Just hoping the weather isn't too bad but this is England after all.

Then I have five days off at Easter and I'm hoping to go somewhere then as well. Don't know where yet, West Country or a couple of days in Paris by Eurostar look good.

And then, eight weeks Monday, it's Corfu. And I can't wait. It will be so nice to just spend a week sitting in the sun, swimming in the pool, stuffing my face and drinking cheap red wine.

Now here is another bird.

My Health updated. Adults Only

Well sorry if I ended rather quickly last night, one minute I was fine, next I could hardly keep my eyes open. But I've had a good nights sleep and feel much better today.

Plus, I managed to knock one out! What a relief that was! Woke up, my hand assumed the position and bingo, instant response! Then just as I was getting into my stride SWCBI rang. And that was it, by the third "scrummy" I couldn't contain myself any longer! I don't know if she realised but what does she expect if she rings while I'm still in bed!

Anyway, to celebrate, here is a bird with big tits.

This is taking longer than usual. Adults Only

Well this is taking longer than usual tonight. Partly because I'm ill, partly because I'm saving the tiny bit of Nitrous I've got for later, and partly because I'm getting serious abuse of the inbox from the Peanut gallery.

You ain't gonna believe what she wants? She wants a user name and password so she can "contribute" And we all know what a woman means when she says she wants to "contribute" She wants to be in charge! They can't help it it's in their nature.

But her suggestion does have possibilities. She might end up attracting new viewers, and that might not be a bad thing. And I would have ultimate control, I would only allow her limited access. And best of all, when on form I could seriously rip the piss out of her! So yes I am considering it.

I was going to ask you all your opinion but, to be quite honest, I don't give a f**k what your opinion is. You either come or you don't, it's no skin off my nose, you are all just like women to me. I make my money off of the other three sites and I ain't letting her anywhere near them.

So I might give it a go. Just as an experiment. I can always kick her out if she abuses the priviledge. Will have to give it more thought.

Anyway here is another bird.

So whats she like? Adults Only

Well as you all know a lot of our regulars have been a trifle concerned about this unexpected female influence upon the site. And the question they are all asking is

"What sort of bird can have had this effect on you?"

Apart from Phil, whose first question was

"Have you shagged her yet?" But he was born in a caravan in Esher so you can't really expect a lot more.

Anyway I will try to explain.

Firstly she is friendly, she actually met a couple of regulars from here and within minutes of starting to talk he had his shirt up and his tits out and they were comparing tatoos! Hers were nicer.

Then she talks like she has swallowed a dictionary. The words she comes out with! She sends me mail and I have to get the thesaurus out! She comes from Surrey and uses words like scrummy, and it sounds so dirty when she says it in that posh accent!

And yes she is posh. She has a cleaner! A lady who "does for her" She also has a secretary. We are talking seriously posh totty here! And she works so hard, every afternoon you will find her slaving away in the office.

She also has a great sense of humour, likes football, knows who Rossi and Stoner are and watches Top Gear. A real sorted bird.

But in answer to Phil's question. No we are just good friends. Although I have to admit I did try.

I said to her, "Look into my eyes and tell me what you see"

She said, "I can't see anything through them bottle top glasses.

So I took the off and said, "Look into my eyes and tell me what you see"

She said, "Excuse me I'm over here"

So I gave up and made her laugh instead, far far easier!

Now if you dim the lights, take off your glasses, squint a bit, a lot actually, drink five pints and use your imagination then she looks like this bird!

See the pics here.

Amazon wish lists. Adults Only

To my amazement there are people out there who don't know what an Amazon wish list is! So I will endeavour to explain. Sorry about the flashy words tonight, it's just SWCBI talks a bit like that and it's catching. And when I say talk I mean talk, she could talk for England.

Anyway, the Amazon wish list is the best invention since the penis. Basically, when you are browsing Amazons wonderful site if you find anything you fancy you put it on your wish list. Then, approaching your birthday, or Christmas you send a link to your friends. They can then see what you want, give the lovely people at Amazon their credit card details and Amazon gift wrap it and send it direct to your door.

It's also a great way of getting to know someone. You ask to see their wish list then you get a rough idea of their likes and the things they enjoy. I won't tell you what was on SWCBI's list but the DVD section was a real eye opener. I didn't know Amazon sold stuff like that!

Here is one from my wish list.

An apology from Mr Ezy. Adults Only

Yes Mr Ezy finally apologised for his totally unwarrented complaint. But not until I'd threatened to not put any more woman on here and publish is e-mail address so you could all complain to him. It was quite a grovelling apology actually, and once he got on his knees and begged I grudgingly accepted it.

It seems that my failure to publish the regular ration of fit birds completely ruined his sex life. He said it wouldn't have been that bad if Jamie Redknapp had had a shaved chest. He says he could have improvised. But all that hair on Jamies chest reminded him too much of his ex wife so he was just getting a bit frustrated.

So I have accepted his apology this time. But be warned Mr Ezy, you won't get off so lightly next time! Here is another bird.

My Health. Adults Only

Now some of you know and some of you don't, but I haven't been well lately. I've been coughing up blood. I've been to the doctors and hospital and had x-rays and blood tests. The Doctor said there was nothing wrong. So I coughed in a tissue and asked

"So where has that lot come from then?"

So she said she would talk to a specialist and give me a call on Tuesday. But I still haven't heard from her as yet. So I guess there is nothing wrong with me, apart from coughing up blood that is.

I haven't actually got much confidence in her. She said she had to get a second opinion, then got on the phone and rang NHS direct!

But it's not the coughing and the blood that worries me. Or going from freezing cold to dripping with sweat in a matter of seconds. It's something far more serious than that. I haven't managed to knock one out for about four days now!

Normally it's at least once a day, every evening minimum, twice on Saturdays, Sundays and My day off, sometimes three times a day if I'm feeling especially rampant. But I don't ever remember going four days without. Even when I was in intensive care I managed to knock out a quickie every couple of days.

I even tried earlier on this evening. Thought I'd have a little nap in case I end up on here all night. Climbed into my bed and my hand went straight there, just the same as usual. But not a sausage, just a chipolata. I even tried the old trick of lying on my left arm until my fingers went numb so It felt like someone else. But still no joy.

I'm hoping it's just down to lack of sleep. I haven't slept much lately because everytime I lay down I start coughing. If not it begs a serious question. Do they prescribe Viagra to single blokes so they can knock one out properly? And if not why not? Is this yet another example of how single people are discriminated against in this country?

Now here is a fit bird.

Are you ready for later?

Well, are you all stocked up on kleenex and baby oil. If not see Mr Ezy, he has been stockpiling it. Yes later on tonight I will finally feature some more top totty and allow you all to resume your sex lives.

But first there is something I have to do. She who cannot be ignored(SWCBI) is sitting at her laptop already, rampant rabbit and a new pack of batteries at the ready. And I figure if I service her needs now then she will go to bed happy and leave us to get on with the real stuff later.

She is also a very nice lady. She promoted me to her head joy and laughter provider today. Yes you've guessed it, I dropped my strides and she hasn't stopped laughing since.

Plus I figure why not? It's only one. And if giving her one makes her happy then who am I to argue?

So here is the totty for SWCBI, the real stuff will come later.

I don't understand the problem

Now before I go any further let me just tell you that Mr Ezy wasn't the only one to complain. I have had had loads of e-mail complaining that I am encouraging women and other undesirables to the site. But why is that a problem?

Apart from anything else I only get a couple of chances a week to scour the galleries and find the hot totty that I know you all like. And to keep you lot happy I have to continuely find new things to say, find stuff to challange your intellect.

Obviously there is no need for that with a woman. Women are easy to satisfy, the odd pic now and then and nothing thats going to tax their brains. Just a few one liners keeps then happy. Besides, the one who has been making "suggestions" is a blonde! It's not really going to take too much to keep her happy is it? I can still make my usual sexist comments safe in the knowledge that she won't have a clue what I'm talking about!

So stop feeling threatened all of you. She is only a woman after all. And take a look on here Thursday morning. I think you will find enough top class crumpet to keep you happy for quite a while.

The bargain

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV."
"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman.
"I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because that's a microwave," he replied.

Sexist? Me?

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence? Divorced.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . .."

Why do men fart more than women?Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman that won't do what she's told.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

An explanation

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
Man says to God: "But why did you make her so stupid?"
God says: "So she would love you."

How dare you complain?

Okay Mr Ezy, I have a bit more time now so I can address your complaint.

Just who do you think you are? How many times have I said on this site, Read The Words? Were you not listening? Are you a bit simple?

If you had read the words instead of just looking at the pictures you would be aware that this site is run in exactly the same way as this country. It is a dictatorship. What I say goes. It's run for my benefit, nobody else's. So what makes you think you have a right to complain? If you don't like it go elsewhere!

It's not even as if you spend any money on here. I don't remember you getting your credit card out and paying for a month of porn. You just turn up with your buy one get one free boxes of kleenex and your Johnsons baby oil. Last I heard you had the softest smoothest right hand in the country.

I also remember your last feeble attempt with a woman. If I remember rightly she kicked you out as soon as she woke up. I even remember the pathetic poem you wrote her afterwards.

"You said I'm the worst lover you ever had,
You didn't know anyone could F**k that bad,
You said that my willy wasn't very long,
You hoped that in the morning that I might be gone,
You said my manners were a real disgrace.
But how could I say I loved you with you sitting on my face?"

Thats how it went wasn't it? You really thought that was going to impress her!

This is might site, my rules, my choice. if you don't like it, f**K off!

A Complaint

It seems the female influence hasn't gone down too well with some of you! Just got this in my mail box.

You apostate, back stabber, betrayer, deceiver, defector, deserter, double crossing snake in the grass.Let me remind you that the sites called 'PMT For Men'. It clearly states no 'women', well i don't mind them visiting the site, but, having a say on the content is not wise, she'll have you dropping the 'for men' next. And if you do that, I'm going to become a MUSLIM.When you ask about pmt's for women, you get told its 'a womens thing', and their the experts. I for one dare not interfere. believe me, I know, after being married for 18 years and having 3 daughters, that its a time to tread carefully. So why are you letting some bird get involved with something she knows absolutely nothing about, what gives her the right to interfere ?When I get mine, I want to have a whinge, a laugh and an oogle at some fit bit. What were you thinking ?You've made a mistake, you should know that to let a female get involved that things will change (to her advantage).You've been sweet talked into believing that this female is an expert in PMT for MEN, either that or she's been talking with her mouthful and you've been listening (typical female tactics). Well i just wanted to let you know how I felt. Remember 'Goods and Chattels', 'Seen and not Heard', 'Put on this earth to SERVE man' and all that.

In case you were wondering

Just in case you were wondering whats happened to the totty, don't worry, there will be some soon. It's just that I have been updating the site during the day rather than late at night and haven't got around to going through all the new galleries yet. But I will soon I promise.

Do these people live in the real world?

Chancellor Gordon Brown has undergone treatment at a £100-an-hour private dental clinic.
The Mail on Sunday said Mr Brown underwent root canal treatment last week at the London Centre for Cosmetic Dentistry run by top private dentist Mervyn Druian.
A spokesman for the Chancellor defended his decision to go private.
"Using a private dentist is not the same as using a private doctor," the spokesman said.
"Gordon is no different to the large number of people who have found themselves without an NHS dentist because he did not visit one regularly.
"If you have a toothache, you have to find a dentist quickly and to do that you have to go private. It is not like arranging an appointment with your GP."

All very true Mr Brown. But what if you can't afford £100 an hour to see a private dentist? What if your government has taxed you unmercifully and allowed hundreds of thousands of people into the country to do your job at a cheaper rate? What if you only earn £12,000 a year rather than the £12,000 a month a politician does?

Correct me if I am wrong but was the Labour party not the one that was supposed to look after the interests of the poor people?

Well that was a first

Well that was a first for me. I used MSN's image search to find a picture of a bloke! No it's okay, I haven't turn pink. I just promised somebody I would put a pic up of Jamie Redknapp in the flesh. So here he is.

Under Orders

Well it's official. I am a sexist racist bastard! I would take offence if it wasn't for the fact that she was bought up in Wales so probably doesn't know any better. I am also under orders to provide some entertainment for women as well or else!

Now I did point out that the sign quite clearly states No Women but have you ever tried reasoning with a bird? So it looks like if I want another great evening of her company I am going to have to do what I'm told. Sorry guys but I'll try to make it quick.

Oh, almost forgot. She says I am not allowed to call women birds anymore either. It's sexist apparantly. I don't see why. I've seen the adverts on TV and according to Kotex they all get wings once a month so whats the problem?

And I suppose it's fair really to do a bit for the ladies. After a hard week cooking, cleaning, getting their nails done, gossipping and all the other things they are experts at I suppose we shouldn't begrudge them an hour of our time.

So here we go with the very first edition of Womans Hour on PMT for Men. Just for the girlies.

Womans Hour. Part 1

Well my first "request" is to for me to feature some male crumpet. Well I don't have any pics of myself on my PC so I will have to feature the next best, Jamie Redknapp. This man is famous for having a football manager for a dad and being permanently injured throughout his playing career. That is unusual for a Liverpool player. They usually stay pretty fit walking home from the ground because somebody has nicked their wheels.

Apparantly though women find him quite attractive, although for the life of me I can't see why. Is it just me or is his head a little bit too big for his body? Still, you can't argue with a woman, they are always right. So here he is in all his glory. Jamie Redknapp!

Well Hung

How can you tell if a man is well hung? If you can't get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!

How to impress

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, stroke her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine & dine her, buy things for her, listen to her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go to the ends of the earth for her....
HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN: Show up naked. .... with Beer

Questions and answers

Q: How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? A: Both of them.
Q: Why did the man cross the road? A: He heard the chicken was a slut.
Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay?A: They don't have time.
Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? A: They won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What do men and sperm have in common?A: They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
Q: How does a man show that he is planning for the future? A: He buys two cases of beer.
Q: What is the difference between men and government bonds? A: The bonds mature.
Q: Why are blonde jokes so short?A: So men can remember them.
Q: How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? A: We don't know; it has never happened.
Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends.
Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A Widow
Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?A: His hand caught fire.
Q: How do you get a man to do sit-ups? A: Put the remote control between his toes.
Q: How are men and parking spots alike? A: Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
Q: What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? A: They are married.

Eve and Adam

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy".
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well, you can have him on one condition," said God. "What's that, Lord?"
"Because of his tender ego, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first."

The princess and the frog

Once upon a time, a smart, independent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond.
The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a handsome prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom, and u can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."
That night while the princess dined on frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't think so."