Dear Castonya

For some reason I get people writing in asking for my advice on problems they have. My first thought was why ask me? Do I sound like I'm an agony aunt? But then I figured why not? After all, at least I will give honest advice. So here we have the very first edition of "Dear Castonya" I have started with a question I got from a bird called Fern.

"Dear Castonya

I have a little bit of a problem and wondered if you could give me some advice. I am a little bit overweight, size 22 to be precise, and my husband seems to have gone off of me. I have always been told that men don't mind a woman who is a bit cuddly but he doesn't seem to want to know me any more. Do you think it could be my weight and if so are there any special diets I should try? Thanks.

Fern"

"Dear Ms Britton

Firstly lets deal with the bit about men liking birds who are a little bit cuddly. Who told you that? Some fat bird I bet! Have you looked at any mens magazines at all? Did you see any fat birds? For gods sake woman! A lot of us will get hold of a fat bird if there is nothing better on offer but as a first choice a slim bird with a great figure is always going to be our preference.

Which brings me to my second point. Size 22 isn't a little bit overweight. It's bloody enormous, obese to be precise. Come on, size 22 and you wonder why your old man doesn't fancy you anymore? He never did in the first place, he just couldn't find any better. He's probably found himself a fit bird and is busy getting hold of her. Be fare, can you blame him? Size 22 or size 12? What do you expect him to do? Is it because you are overweight he doesn't come near you? Do Labour MP's lie for a living?

As for special diets, there is no such thing. But luckily I have my own recommendations. It's called the three step plan.

Step 1: Eat less, a lot less.

Step 2: Exercise more, walking from your house to the station rather than from the fridge to the biscuit tin.

Step 3: Don't wear a mini skirt.

Hope that all helps.

Castonya"