Another Big Interview

Hello and welcome to Castonya's big interview. This month we should have been talking to John Prescott, deputy Prime minister. However he was busy attending the opening of a new housing estate on the New Forest so instead we have one of his Under Secretaries, Mr John Londoner.

CMK: Good evening Mr Londoner and welcome to the big interview.

ML: Good evening, sorry I was late. It was that bloody bus lane on the M4, full of buses and taxi's. I'll have to have a word with the chaps in Transportand get something done about it.

CMK: Well you're here now so lets get things rolling. A lot of people are concerned that our rural areas are undergoing a bit of a crisis, what with foot and mouth disease, the hunting ban and the subsequent drop in tourists. Is it true that the governments mismanagement of the foot and mouth crisis helped contribute to this?

ML: Not at all. Foot and mouth disease was just an excuse. It came along just in the nick of time really. No, the main cause of the problem is the price of petrol. People just cannot afford to visit the countryside anymore.

CMK: So you're blaming the Chancellor for the decline in our rural areas?

ML: Not just him, there are other reasons as well. The main problem with the countryside is that it's so far away. It's just not convenient enough, we need something a bit nearer, a bit more accessible. Then when you get there what is there to do? All that grass and open space. It's all a bit boring really isn't it? The country folk could do a lot more to help themselves, provide a bit of entertainment or something. There aren't even any decent pubs in the country. It's all real ale, cider and wooden beams. They should build themselves a few theme pubs.

CMK: Some people claim that the Government isn't doing enough to help. That they should provide more money.

ML: Why should we? The people in the country don't vote for us do they? They didn't get us elected. We will target our money where it's most beneficial. The towns and cities are where we get our votes so that's where the money will go. There isn't enough money to go round so why should we waste it.

CMK: What about the farmers? A lot of them are going out of business. Farming is an essential industry, vital in supplying or food.

ML: That's nonsense! We don't need British farmers at all these days. The chaps in France Spain and the rest of Europe grow enough to go round. Because of the subsidies they get their produce is much cheaper as well. It might be worth saving a few as a bit of a tourist attraction I suppose but otherwise they aren't really needed anymore, a bit like the Royal family really, more a curiosity than anything else

. CMK: So what are they supposed to do for work then, if, as you say, they aren't needed anymore? Some of these families have been in farming for generations. They don't know anything else.

ML: They will have to learn something new, move with the times. After all I believe one of Mr Blair's forefathers was a bit of a conman and charlatan. And just look at Mr Blair today!

CMK: Do Labour have some sort of plan for the future of Rural England.

ML: I'm glad you asked that. Yes we do. We have a great vision for the future. Firstly we intend a massive building initiative, more houses, more factories, more schools etc. With the amount of illegal immigrants arriving everyday we need more places for our own people to live and we see the countryside as the answer. We will bulldoze the farms and forests then build cheap affordable housing on them. Of course we will keep a few of the more inaccessible areas green to satisfy the odd bods who like that sort of thing but the future for the countryside is as an extension to our cities. It solves everything really, housing for everyone, no need to travel there anymore, no tourist industry to speak of and most importantly more votes for Mr Blair.

CMK: Well thank you Mr Londoner, that's all we have time for this month.

ML: My pleasure. Can you do me a favour? Make the check out in the Wife's name. I don't want the Inland revenue to know about it.