Beer Vs. Pussy: The Playoff

1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER 9, PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. - An extra point for BEER!

Spam: Adults Only

I’ve just been sitting here watching spam e-mails come in. When I started on the net I gave my e-mail address to everyone and everything and have never bothered changing so I get shitloads.! Just in the last half hour I could, if I had the money have the biggest dick in the world, a stockpile of Viagra and as much hardcore porn as I want to use it on.

They even had a special offer on baby oil if you bulk buy it. I forwarded that one on to Mr Ezy.

I could have also helped a Nigerian Princess flee her country, invested in several pyramid schemes, and have been invited to reply to an e-mail from my bank asking for all my bank details.

Is this what the Internet was for? I thought it was supposed to be a great new tool for knoledge and communication. But it's turned into one big advertsing machine, the only real information available if you dig deep enough. It was also supposed to enable people to communicate with people in opressed countries so they could let the world know what is going on. It was supposed to be the first uncensored source of information that the world has ever seen.

But it isn't. People in China, Cuba, Zimbabwee and countless other countries throughout the world risk their lives going online to tell people the truth. The huge companies who now control the net then collaborate with the dictators that run these countries and censor these people out and basically grass them up to the authorities.

All for the great god of money.

Now here is a bird. get your credit cards ready!

Another candidate. Adults Only

Here we have another entrant in our Golden Globes. This Eastern European beauty is Luba. Check out her full credentials here.

Dancing on Ice is back.

So how does a program watched mainly by middle aged women interest us I hear you asking. Well simple really. You see all these dancing competitions have one thing in common. Half naked babes strutting there stuff with the constant possibility of a "wardrobe malfunction" And dancing on Ice is no exception!

So while the woman ooh and ahh about the quality of the dancing us men can lust after the tottie. Here is one of the dancers. Can't remember who she is, Suzanne Shaw maybe, but she has nice tits.

Iga. Adults Only

Here we have another candidate for our Golden Globes awards. This gorgeous brunette is called Iga and you can check her suitability as a candidate by clicking here.

Golden Globes. Adults Only

Well as you are probably all aware last weeks American celebrity love in, known as the Golden Globes, was called off. So I have decided to hold my own.

The first nominee is Evelyn who, I am sure you will agree, has a fine pair of Golden Globes.

Take a proper look at this candidate here.

Famous Scousers

While we are on the subject of Liverpool I thought I would mention some famous scousers. But off the top of my head I can only think of one, the worlds tightest man, Paul McCartney.

Not only is he the worlds tightest man he must have the worlds poorest taste in Women! First there was Linda. Now everybody has the right to be ugly but she abused the priviledge! Rumours that he only married her to save money on his butchers bill have yet to be confirmed.

Then there was Heather Mills. A one legged ex porn star! With the money this man has you would think he could do better. But given his reputation for being careful with his money maybe he thought he could save money on her shoes!

Liverpool. City of culture?

Yes, somebody somewhere had a brain wave and the city of culture for 2008 is Liverpool! Don't laugh, it's true!

Now there are a lot of things that spring to mind when I think of Liverpool but culture isn't one of them. Drug abuse, theft, the worlds worse accent, ginger hair, drive by shootings, badly behaved football supporters but definately not culture!

In fact the only culture usually associated with Liverpool is the mold growing in the Premiership trophy cabinet at Anfield!

And they are spending 100 million pounds of taxpayers money to promote this ludicrous idea! I bet that makes the residents of places like Toxteth feel great as they look out of their boarded up windows at the burnt out cars!

I have decided on my new job!

Well no matter what happens with my health I won't be fit enough to go back to my old job. So I started thinking about alternative employment. I need something highly paid, not too strenuous with plenty of holidays, no come backs if I completely mess it up and that allows me to do as little as possible. So I am going to stand as an MP.

Okay so I am over qualified. Unlike the present bunch I have actually had a job and worked for a living. A proper job as well, not as a consultant, in the media or legal proffession or any of the other non jobs that that are the usual starting point for a career in poncing off the tax payer, sorry politics.

So all I have to do now is come up with some policies, tell a few lies to get elected then sit back and cream in the cash. Watch this space.

Economic Benefits. Adults Only

As we all know, due to EU law, we now have people from every backwater of Eastern Europe flooding into this country and working for a pittance. To justify this the government keep telling us about the "economic benefits" we gain from allowing these people here.

Now if you are middle class, need a cheap cleaner, plumber, builder etc then I am sure it is very beneficial. If you run a business and want cheap labour then I'm sure it's very beneficial. If you want to build a conservatory on your house in Surrey but don't want to give up one of your foriegn holidays to pay for it then I am sure it is beneficial.

But what if you are poor? What if you are a licensed private hire driver and you are not getting enough work because the big companies have bought in 1000's of drivers from Poland prepared to work for minimum wage? Where is the benefit to you? What if you are single, have been on the council housing list for years, got near the top then suddenly find yourself back where you started because any of these people who have kids now have priority over you? Where is the benefit for you?

What if you are a cleaner, a waitress, a barman, a chambermaid or work in any of the other low paid jobs who suddenly finds their wages going back down to minimum? Where is the benefit to you?

The excuse for allowing these people in is that they do the jobs nonbody else wants to do. That may be true. But why did people not want to these jobs? Because the wages were so low. Rather than keep flooding our already over populated country with cheap foreign labour would it not make more sense to raise the wages and encouraged the millions already out of work into employment again? Just a thought!

Here is a fit bird.

Well thats it for tonight.

Remember it's a blog! START AT THE BOTTOM!

I haven't had a rant for ages. Adults Only

It seems like forever since I had a good rant on here. Thats what I came here for tonight in the first place. I know you lot are only interested in the babes but I enjoy having a good rant now and again! If you want to look at the pics then I'm afraid that is something you will have to put up with.

But what do I rant about? It hasn't even been a year since I used to update on a regular basis but this corrupt, sad, sorry government that was elected by foreigners despite the English voting 4 to 1 against it has managed to make things even worse. There is so much to rant about that I don't know where to start!

Human rights for criminals but not for smokers? A PM that only a small handfull of mental retards voted for? The ludicrous carbon offset industry that says you can create as much pollution as you like as long as you pay somebody else to say it was them? The fact that 50% of murders in this country are done by immigrants despite them only making up 10% of the population? Fifty percent of muslims in this country wanting to live under sharia law?

Foriegners flocking in to use our health service while overweight people and smokers who have paid taxes all their lives are refused treatment? A health service, mainly funded through English taxes, providing free prescriptions and cancer treatments to everybody except the English? Crime? Criminals being set free because the prisons are full of foreigners?

The list is endless. This labour government has completely transformed this country and turned it into a shit hole that anybody with any sense would get out of as soon as possible.

Here is an English slapper.

Last one from chemo. Adults Only

The lovely Lou was a lovely lady as well. She almost made chemo fun! It was just the cannula in your hand, the burning as the poison made it's way through your shrunken veins and the knowledge that you had cancer that put a dampner on it!

But she did her best to cheer me up as you can see in this great gallery.

Don't get the wrong idea! Adults Only

Before we go any further I need to give a warning. Please don't think that all the nurses are fit! Far from it! There are just as many dogs, mingers and ten pinters as there are in any other profession. But I did chemo for twelve weeks in all and met quite a few.

To keep things balanced I know I should have taken some pics of the rough ones and posted them as well but be honest who wants to look at the rough ones?

And it's also an area that you can still discriminate in legally! To date there is no law that says that because you post pics of fit birds that you have to post pics of horrors as well. For every pic of a fit bird in a mini skirt you don't have to show a pic of Fern Britton flashing her stocking tops!

So to save you all witnessing some of the monsters I had to look at I just took pics of the fit ones.

Until The Sun starts publishing a pic of a monster like Cherie Blair next to the page three bird I figure I am safe.

This babe from the chemo ward is Penelope.

I also got a physocologist. Adults Only

Because finding out that you are probably dieing because you have cancer tends to mess your head up a little bit our NHS system provides you with help. After leaving you to deal with it yourself for several weeks they eventually assign you a shrink.

It works as well. As soon as I realised that my shrink, Maria, prefered being on the couch herself I immediately perked up. Or parts of me did anyway!

I took these on my mobile at the first session.

The other receptionist. Adults Only

The other receptionist was called Alexandra. Just like Carla she was always happy to cheer up any of the male patients. I sometimes enjoyed the waiting when she was working.

This was a typical wait.

The waiting around was hard. Adults Only

Waiting around to get treatment was quite hard sometimes. But the receptionists at the Charring Cross hospital chemo umit do their best to make it bearable.

This one was called Carla and she kindly agreed to show us a little bit more and posed for this great gallery.

Rachel from Chemo. Adults Only

Well the very first chemo was a bit worrying because you don't know what to expect. But it all became a bit easier when I found out that the lovely Rachel was my nurse.

And taking these pics with my mobile helped pass the time as the chemo slowly invaded my system!

Take a good look at her here.

I got to know some of the nurses. Adults Only

During my treatment I got to know some of the nurses quite well and managed to convince some of them of the wisdom of getting their tits out for the boys.

This beauty is Melanie, usually to be found at Queen Mary's hospital Roehampton cheering up the male patients in the X-ray department. Honest!

See more of her here.

Have you been missing the crumpet?

I bet you have! I would like to think that you all come here to listen to me waffling on about this that and the other but I know that most of you are here for one thing. The fanny!

So with that in mind, and a desperate need to get the visitors flocking in, I have found this pic of one of the worlds biggest slappers, Madonna.

Yes, at no expense and just for you we have a pic here of Madonna's boobs. Not Madonna's naked boobs or naked breasts or bare tits you understand, but something much more erotic. yes, a wet t-shirt pic!

So, if you are one of those sad bastards who has been searching for a pic of Madonna in a wet t-shirt then your search is over. Enjoy!

Happy new year.

Hi everyone and a belated happy new year to you all. Having now completed my chemotherapy and radiotherapy I am now starting to recover and hopefully can get back to regular updates pretty soon.

And you can all help aid my recovery! Just tell all your friends about this site and get them to visit, credit card in hand, and sign up to some of the great sites I promote.

I know that lots of money wouldn't help me get better but it would make dieing a whole lot more fun!

anyway, welcome to what is the first in what is hopefully some regular updates to the site.

An Indian goes into a bar. Adults Only

An Indian walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

"Where did you get that?" the barman asks.

"Southall" Says the parrot, "There are fu*king hundreds of them"

Here is a fit bird

Well off to bed now

Yes the chemo has got to me. Only had it yesterday and it does make me tired sometimes.

But the next one is Wednesday 3rd October! Yes I have a rest week next week so any of you who fancy meeting up for a drink get in touch. I am also going to Bar Isha in Kingston for Salsa on Sunday so if any of you fancy it get in touch.

There is a great band on with a real fit bird! That is her in the pic. See their site here.

Anyway hopefully I will be back tomorrow. If not then Saturday. The one and only Castonya is back! And here to stay!

And another one who should be on Simply Upskirt. Adults Only

yes another one flashing her knickers before giving us a look at her kebab. This time a blonde.

Take a good look here.

This bird should really be on Simply Upskirt

But I am easing myself back into things at the moment so can't be bothered with going back and fore between sites. So you get to take a look up her skirt instead.

See what she had for breakfast here.

Keeping fit

Here we have a blonde bird doing what she should be doing. Keeping herself fit for the apreciation of us men. All women should do it. In fact there should be a law making them do it.

Take a look at her here.

Something for the Homosexuals.

Before I get nicked for discrimination here is the usual bit for the homosexual community. This time, by way of a change, I am going to feature some lesbians.

So here they are. A couple of dykes.

A bird and a Merc

Well it's that time of night. Google is off to bed and we can feature what you have all come here for. Crumpet!

Now I am not acusing any of you of being sexist or anything, god forbid. But I seem to get so many more hits if I fill the site with half naked women than I do when I waffle on!

So you sexist bastards here is a bird with a Merc.

Did you see in the Sun today?

There is a town in Romania that in January had a population of 12,000 people. Then the EU opened it's doors and 1000 of them left.

The result? Their crime rate is at an all time low! People can walk the streets safely, dont get their car stolen, are sage from credit card fraud and generally live without a fear of crime.

Over here crime is a an all time high!

Do you think the idoiots who run this country will ever work it out?

Sorry had to stop for a minute.

I was eating a peach.

Makes a change to the old hags I usually eat!

Until

Until she got into her present line of work, Rich Bitch, Bright Blonde had a variety of jobs. She even worked as a customs officer. Until she arrested a muslim thalidomide for bringing small arms into the country.

She also collapsed having phone sex!

They took her to hospital and extracted a nokia, two motorolas and an NEC. Despite a prolonged search they couldn't find any Seimans.

Bright Blonde got thrown off of millionaire!

Yes, our recently departed Bright Blonde got thrown off of who wants to be a millionaire for masturbating!

She got confused when Tarrant said fastest finger first!

I once picked up a blonde

in my cab.
When we got to ther place she lifted her skirt and asked me if she could pay in kind.

I had to ask her if she had anything smaller!

Just spent £60 on a computer game..

But the bloody thing keeps crashing the computer!

This new Colin Mcrae Helicopter simulator is shit!

Now thats the peanut gallery dealt with

We can get on with the real business of the site. Don't worry there will be some crumpet later, it's just a bit difficult with google sitting here. Have to wait until she goes to bed.

Now as you all know I am not one to complain. But why on earth has the government agreed to use tax payers money to make sure the greedy bastards who banked with Northern rock get paid?

These people, middle and upper class tossers who work in non jobs like advertising, poncing off of the rest of us, put there money in there because they could earn more interest! No other reason. And they got caught out. So why the hell should the rest of us pay to bail them out!

They deserved everything they got!

Goodbye Bright Blonde

As I touched on earlier Bright Blonde has left us. Despite all the playing we used to do, non stop day and night, she no longer wants to play with me. I think she got bored then somebody else came along for her to play with. Shame because she was a real fun playmate. Anyway I no longer have permission to fill her inbox, nor that of her friend Miss Tecra. But I still slip one in now and again!

She is too busy for things like this now. She has reached that age where she is desperate to find a man before her juices dry up and when she is not talking about working, out on the piss, watching football or out dancing she is romancing. Or trying to find a meal ticket, sorry husband.

She is currently working her way through her ex boyfriends, trying to find if any of them have got any richer and become better prospects. She was up to D last time I heard but she doesn't hang about so if you used to "know her" be ready for a call soon!

Now I know thats stupid, working your way through people you have already rejected. Why not try something new? Why stick with the same type of bloke who has let you down everytime? Why not try a different type, somebody who might actually make you happy? But that is the way supposedly intelligent women work!

"Oh, every man I have ever met has treated me like shit and ended up hurting me! I know! I will go for the same type again! What a good idea! Us blondes are well smart!"

But apart from her blonde moments she is a nice old bird, one of the kindest nicest people I have ever met. and with a great sense of humour too. So lets wish her well in her search. And have a sweepstake on how long each one lasts!

Goodbye from us all Bright Blonde. We will miss you. You are welcome back anytime.

Worse bit of having cancer

The very worse bit isn't the pain or the dieing or anything like that. It's getting kissed by relatives! My mum had a birthday party and all the aunts and cousins were there. Do you think they would leave me alone! Every single one of the woman gave me a kiss when they left. I wouldn't mind but have you seen my relatives? They never used to do it before so why now?

Is it cos I's dying?

Firstly my Cancer

We might as well get it out of the way right at the start. First of all I had 6 months to a year. Then two to three years. Now maybe five. I don't think they actually have a clue so I have decided not to worry about it and let shit happen when it's ready.

Anyway it's not all bad. Okay I was really ill and I will be again sometime in the future. Yes it's going to kill me. But not too painfully which is cool. yes I have to go to the hospital all the time. But it has it's advantages as well.

I get free road tax, a blue badge and free sandwiches and an orange at chemo! Thats worth all the hassle!

I am early!

Crashed in my race! Anyway welcome back all. Unless of course you are one of the birds who got the e-mail. It says NO WOMEN ALLOWED! Can't you read?

You are supposed to pass it on to a man! Just like all those diseases you pass on to men.

Mind you, being women you have probably started reading at the top instead of the bottom and won't read this until you have already been offended.

Well tough. It serves you right for being thick. Now go somewhere else and leave us to it.

Okay. It's going to be tonight!

Yes, just have an online race to do then will be back here. For those of you who like to tune in whilst I work this weeks Thursday show starts at about ten PM. See you all then.

I am back!

Sorry for the delay in updates but as many of you know I have been very ill and haven't been up to doing this. I will tell you all about it later. i did leave Bright Blonde in charge but the poor old girl hasn't had the time. New boyfriend and all that, or two by now I think! Should have known better than to leave a menopausal women in charge!

In fact I think it's goodbye from Bright Blonde. She is far too busy with hair dressers, getting nails done, socialising, having meetings to talk about work etc to bother with us! Just a typical female businesman I am afraid. And they let these people vote as well! But she is a very lovely lady so I am going to forgive her.

That was probably the worse thing that ever happened to this country, giving women the vote. Everything was fine until then. Now look at it! How on earth can you let a sub species with a lower mental capacity than us and who can only think with their hormones have a say in anything important let alone a say in how to run the country is totally beyond me!

Anyway will update later today or tomorrow then try to be regular after that. So come back soon for the usual helping of crumpet, my view on bailing out the greedy bastards who banked with Northern Rock and all the usual stuff. See you all soon!

I'm not

I am not going to get chance to update before going to Corfu Monday morning, sorry. So I'm going to leave you in the very experienced hands of Bright Blonde. She has turned out to be just as fickle, self centered and unreliable as every other woman I've ever met but she is also kind, caring and highly intelligent so I am sure you will be in safe hands. In fact wouldn't trust the site with anyone else. If she can ever make her mind up for long enough to actually get to post anything that is!

Anyway, talk to you all after a week in the sun, lots of steak and plenty of cheap red wine!

Bright Blonde was a virgin!

Yes it's true, at the ripe old age of ** she was a virgin, she had never been to Brands Hatch! But that all changed last week when she went to the A1 Grand Prix. And she loved it!

She did the cooperate bit. Inside in a box, food and drink supplied, not the out in the wind bit that us mere mortals have to do. But she had a fun time and has even agreed to go to Wimbledon for the stock car racing today! I think she will enjoy that as well but there will not be a box and definately no prawn sandwiches!

I will try to do a proper update sometime this week but as you all know I am off to Corfu next week and might not get the time. I will be leaving the site in very capable hands of BB while I am away. Just hope it's still here when I get back!

This is Don Juan!

An up and coming Colombian musician! He can practise with me anytime and I'll happily dance to his tune!

You Really Should Girls and Boys!

Maybe I should become indisposed more often if it means I am greeted by sex God Jamie [if only all the rumours were true as to his whereabouts in between delighting the masses with his presence on the box but I keep dreaming and you just never know!!]and a polemic by Castonya on the delights of salsa.

As usual, his imagination has run riot and I hate to disappoint but most women don't go to salsa to pick up blokes and/or have a quick shag. They actually want to learn to dance because it's fun and good exercise. However, Salsa is as close as you can get to sex on the dance floor, and when I was gyrating in Cuba in the wee hours with the real latinos, I was on fire!

Classes over here don't have quite the same "gay abandon" atmosphere or dancing style but I do recommend you all try it. And yes there is a dearth of sexy men so boys come on down!

Have you ever been to Salsa? Adults Only

Okay, hands up, how many of you have ever been to Salsa? Not many I bet. But believe me if you haven't you are really missing out. Why? Well because Salsa is where women now go to have a dance, get some exercise and pull blokes. There are loads of them there, all shapes and sizes and some seriously fit ones as well.

The music isn't that bad either, some of the musicians are very very good, but the best bit is watching the birds dance! It really does test the buttons on your jeans.

I was actually going to try and learn to dance, it's that good! But it meant trying to organise things with a complete scatterbrain so it never quite worked out. shame really because I was hoping to have learnt the rudimenatries before I got to Corfu. Just going to have to make do with air guitar again!

But seriously, the music is cool, it's a good way to keep fit and there are lots of women just looking for a quick shag at the end of the night. Give it a go!

Here is a latin looking bird.

Have you seen this man?

The man in the photograph appears to have gone missing. He was last seen handcuffed to the bedpost of a pretty buxom blonde in the West London area. It seems he waited until she was asleep and made his escape after being thoroughly drained of energy by her excessive demands.

Should you spot him anywhere you should immediately point him in the direction of his wife who is anxiously waiting for him to pay the credit card bills so she can continue her shopping career.

And another. Adults Only

This young lady is Courtney, as you can see another blonde. One minute I couldn't find any, next they are coming along in groups just like buses.

And this one does compare to BB. In fact there is only one difference between them. I'd like to shag Courtney's brains out! Something I would never attempt with BB because she has far too many of them! You'd be there forever!

No seriously, Courtney is here for the same reason as the last one, she looks good. What better reason could I have than that to put her on?

Take a look here.

Just another blonde. Adults Only

Right i really do need to apologise to you all. I am not bothering with my other sites anymore, I don't have the time. which means you are all going to have to put up with a lot more crumpet, plus maybe even a bit more rambling from me.

I am sorry about that, I know you all get sick of all these half naked women adorning the pages but it's something you are just going to have to learn to put up with. Or go somewhere else of course. Your choice. It's a free Internet. Well at the moment anyway but you can bet Billy Liar is already in negotiations to have any critiscism of him censored out in the near future.

So, because I now don't have another site to put this bird on here she is.

Just another blonde.