Travel Guide. England. Part 1

This is a country that helped form the world as is today and is steeped in history. However, after eleven years of a socialist goverment it is a country that you really don't want to visit. But for those who do this is what to expect.

Frome the moment you get off of the plane you will be watched on camera. England has more CCTV cameras per person than any other country in the world yet some of it's city's are the most dangerous in the world. This is mainly because of ridiculous human rights laws that allow criminals to do as they like and penalises the victims of crime.

Not only are you constantly watched but almost anyone in a uniform has the right to accuse you of a crime, find you guilty and issue you with an on the spot fine. Policemen, Traffic Wardens, Parking attendants and now local town hall security staff, wheel clampers etc can all just find you guilty just like that and fine you. There are ten times more people in England that are empowered to issue a fine than there are Policeman.

The offences to avoid are smoking in a public place, even if it is outdoors and you are the only one there. Don't be tempted! Local councils in England employ people to snoop around all day just to catch people smoking and fine them. Don't drop litter of any sort, not even a bit of pork pie that immediately gets eaten by the birds. You will get fined. If you can find somewhere to legaly smoke there will not be any ashtrays and if you drop the butt you will get fined.

Using your mobile phone while driving will get you a fine, as will eating an apple or a bar of chocolate and if you smoke don't throw the butt out of the window. Buses in England have cameras on them to catch you doing this, and you will be fined.

In fact it is probably best to avoid driving at all. The petrol carries the highest tax in Europe and VAT is payable on top which makes it extremely expensive. Some roads you have to pay to use, some city's you have to pay extra to drive in and then when you stop you have to pay to park. If you are as little as a minute late retrieving your car then you will be fined and if you stop in the wrong place you will be fined.

If you use public transport whatever you do don't travel without a ticket. This can cost you as much as £2500 and up to six months in prison. If you find yourself stuck somewhere without a ticket mug another passenger and steal theirs. If you get caught this will only cost you £80. You always have to remember that in England the more petty the so called offence the higher the fine and the more likely you are to get caught.

However if you are homosexual things are a bit brighter. When it was made legal for middle aged men to go into schools and talk to twelve and thirteen year old boys about their sexuality, grooming they call it, they also made it legal for homosexuals to have sex with sixteen year old boys in public. So if you find a willing sixteen year old, take him into a public toilet and bugger him. It's legal and you won't get fined for that.

A post card from Wolf.

Mr Wolf has been away for a couple of days. Idiot went to Wales! Of all the places he could have gone he chose Wales! Didn't he read Castonya's travel guide?

Anyway he has kindly sent a post card so I figured I would share it with you all.

Travel Guide 1. Wales

Well I have decided to start with Wales simply because Peter has just been having a rant about the Welsh. It is also pretty close which is a big bonus because it makes it easy to get out of when you can't take any more. Because believe me, if you do go to Wales you won't want to stay long.

Well where do we start? The Welsh will tell you the scenery is spectacular and that it is a beautiful place. Maybe it is but it never stops raining long enough to find out. I would describe the scenery as bleak and depressing. even the sheep, which seem to be everywhere, are a dirty off white colour, as if they are covered in coal dust or something. Of course it isn't coal dust because the coal mining industry virtually dissapeared years ago when the miners tried to hold the rest of us to ransom and eventually priced themselves out of work.

As for the weather. Well there is a reason they have so many sheep in Wales. Sheep eat grass and there is plenty of grass. And there is plenty of grass because it never stops raining. The weather in Wales can be summed up in one word. Awful.

The Welsh also have some odd customs. Worrying sheep, for example, is almost their national sport. If you go out in your wellies and aproach a sheep be prepared for it to turn and run, especially if you are a man. They also think they can sing but, as anybody who has ever heard their attempts at singing will testify, they can't. Their singing is quite possibly the only thing worse than their awful accent.

They also have their own nonsensical language that doesn't have any vowels but because 1% of them can actually understand it they use huge amounts of English tax payers money to have all their roadsigns and stuff in Welsh as well as their official language, English.

The North of Wales is probably the worst part. Especially in the summer when it seems to be full of scousers, bought up next to the Mersey, all staring in amazement at rivers that are not dark brown and don't have turds floating along the surface.

The food is bland. The weather is crap, the natives rude, ignorant and unsociable, the scenery is bleak and their idea of a fit bird is that fat bint Charlotte Church. In short this suburb of England has absolutely nothing going for it as a holiday destination and is somewhere best avoided.

Thank you Peter

Well Peter has just put me in charge of our new Travel Guides! Cool, I have never been in charge before. Hope it doesn't go to my head like that gormless Gordon bloke. Or that chancer before him, Billy Liar was it? You know the bloke anyway. The socialist with the six houses and the gobby wife.

I will obviously do my best to make these guides as unbiased and truthful as possible but I will of course be open to bribes, just like the government. Unfortunately, unlike our government, I don't have access to unlimited amounts of tax payers money so I won't be able to visit all these places so will really be basing my observations on what other people have said but then that is exactly how the government makes decisions anyway. After all none of our MP's have ever done a days work in their lives but they tell us what we should be doing.

So I am looking forward to this. Thanks Peter. You can count on me!

Travel Guides.

Apparantly, according to the papers last week, us Brits are pretty poor at geography and most of us can't even point out our foreign holiday destinations on a map let alone know anything about where we are going.

Well the map part is simple. Just go to Multimap or another site like it. But if you want to know more about your destination then just come here. We have decided we will help out and over time Castonya will tell you everything you need to know about foreign countries and their cultures. So watch for this tag; Travel Guides.

They will only be occasional but I am sure you will find them very useful.