Travel Guide 1. Wales

Well I have decided to start with Wales simply because Peter has just been having a rant about the Welsh. It is also pretty close which is a big bonus because it makes it easy to get out of when you can't take any more. Because believe me, if you do go to Wales you won't want to stay long.

Well where do we start? The Welsh will tell you the scenery is spectacular and that it is a beautiful place. Maybe it is but it never stops raining long enough to find out. I would describe the scenery as bleak and depressing. even the sheep, which seem to be everywhere, are a dirty off white colour, as if they are covered in coal dust or something. Of course it isn't coal dust because the coal mining industry virtually dissapeared years ago when the miners tried to hold the rest of us to ransom and eventually priced themselves out of work.

As for the weather. Well there is a reason they have so many sheep in Wales. Sheep eat grass and there is plenty of grass. And there is plenty of grass because it never stops raining. The weather in Wales can be summed up in one word. Awful.

The Welsh also have some odd customs. Worrying sheep, for example, is almost their national sport. If you go out in your wellies and aproach a sheep be prepared for it to turn and run, especially if you are a man. They also think they can sing but, as anybody who has ever heard their attempts at singing will testify, they can't. Their singing is quite possibly the only thing worse than their awful accent.

They also have their own nonsensical language that doesn't have any vowels but because 1% of them can actually understand it they use huge amounts of English tax payers money to have all their roadsigns and stuff in Welsh as well as their official language, English.

The North of Wales is probably the worst part. Especially in the summer when it seems to be full of scousers, bought up next to the Mersey, all staring in amazement at rivers that are not dark brown and don't have turds floating along the surface.

The food is bland. The weather is crap, the natives rude, ignorant and unsociable, the scenery is bleak and their idea of a fit bird is that fat bint Charlotte Church. In short this suburb of England has absolutely nothing going for it as a holiday destination and is somewhere best avoided.