Good evening. I am Castonya, reporting live from Mortlake where the worlds first alternative Olympics is being held. I am the sole judge and all the descisions are made by me, the results decided by me and the bribes spent by me. Anyone who doesn't like that can complain to somebody who gives a damn.
We have a whole host of events lined up and will be awarding bronze, silver and imitation gold medals. The gold medals have to be imiatation because gormless Gordon sold off our gold reserves at a cut price years ago when he first took charge of ruining our economy.
The events list hasn't yet been finalised because Peter just sprung this on me at the last minute. But I am sure you will enjoy the entertainment we have lined up for you.
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